Thursday, December 22, 2011

The Not-So-Conservative Republican Presidential Field

The Republican presidential candidates adopted positions in the past that are quite liberal by today’s standards. They have been doing all they can to distance themselves from these positions as each tries to assert that they are the most conservative candidate. Thus, the following SNL-style skit features the leading Republican presidential candidates discussing their previous political positions that they have either changed or tried to downplay. In order to make the skit work, it must be set both in the Carter, Clinton, and George W. Bush administrations. I know it’s an absurd premise, but go with it. We join the younger versions of the Republican presidential candidates on a train traveling between Washington D. C.  and Boston.  

Romney: Wow, I never thought I would have the pleasure to meet the great Newt Gingrich, leader of the Republican resurgence. Hi, I’m Mitt Romney, Governor of Massachusetts.

Gingrich: Pleasure to meet you Mitt, how are things going for you in Massachusetts?

Romney: Great, actually. I just passed Health Care Reform that includes subsidies to help the poor afford insurance, regulations on insurance companies, and an individual mandate to buy health insurance.

Gingrich: Ahh, the Heritage Foundation plan. I just introduced a national version of the same plan in the House.

Romney: It’s projected to work wonders in Massachusetts, around 98 percent of our population will be insured.

(surprised) Congressman Paul, I didn’t see you there. My, it’s like we have the entire Republican Party on this train.

Paul: Nice to meet you Mitt, but I’m not a Republican. I quit the party in the 80s after Reagan spent too much, taxed too much, and borrowed too much.

Romney: Yeah, I’m not much of a Reaganite myself. I support gay rights, a woman’s right to choose, and gun control.

Bachmann: (college age, enters train car) Reelect Jimmy Carter! Reelect Jimmy Carter! Anyone want a flier?

Perry: No thank you, I’m an Al Gore man myself.

Gingrich: (talking to Perry) You know, we really do need to do something about Global Warming.

Huntsman: It really is a travesty that we have people in this country who refuse to admit that humans are responsible for Global Warming.

Cain: I just can’t believe that President Clinton put Hillary through having to deal with his affair and then lied repeatedly and emphatically about it to the American people.

Gingrich: I know; that’s why I lead the charge to impeach him in the House. That kind of misconduct and dishonesty should really disqualify someone from being President.

Voice over the intercom: We have now arrived at Boston.

Romney: This is my stop. Well Gingrich, let’s always remember to put principal before political expediency. The public appreciates candidates who have core convictions, even when they disagree with your positions. The Republican Party must always remain one that embraces reasonable solutions to the problems we face, even when they are unpopular. With your consistent leadership in the House and pragmatic governors in the states, the future for our Republican Party looks bright.

Gingrich: I couldn’t agree more, Mitt.

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