After many adventures, monologues, and mishaps, Hello from the Magic Tavern recently concluded its third season.
The improvised fantasy podcast features the antics of Usidore the Wizard, Chunt the shapeshifter, and Arnie, a human from Earth. Together, they journey through the magical world of Foon and interview fascinating guests along the way.
I have shared some of my favorite Magic Tavern moments in three earlier posts on Meticulous Musings.
The first post examined my favorite episodes from Season 1. The second examined my favorite episodes from the first half of Season 3. The third compared Hello from the Magic Tavern to the works of Tolkien, including Lord of the Rings.
This time, I will share my favorite episodes from the second half of Season 3, which featured many memorable characters and adventures.
Any prospective new listeners should know the podcast mixes interesting characters and witty banter with sex jokes and toilet humor. The conversations run from high brow to low brow in quick succession.
The tone of the podcast may not endear it to all potential listeners. But if you don’t mind, or even enjoy, its more juvenile moments, the podcast has a lot to offer.
Death Knight
S. 3 Ep. 77
Every so often, a new Magic Tavern guest is instantly memorable because they’re such an interesting and well-developed character.
The Death Knight, played by Brennan Lee Mulligan, is one of those characters.
Though not a wizard, the Death Knight has his own impressive list of titles, which even rival those of Usidore the Blue.
Kalahaxorus: Well, Usidore.
I am Kalahaxorus the Grim.
Hammer of the El Datherie, and Foe of the Dendriel. Guardian of the Shroud of Nasuel.
High Commander of the Blades of Zath, and Sworn Champion of the Red Queen of Mersia of Shrex.
Twas I that slew the Gladwins of Rivenmore, and… I’m just really into all of your names.
It’s nice to meet somebody…
Chunt: Fuck me! He just out Usidore’d you. Usidore, you just got schooled my dude.
The episode features the Death Knight’s extensive and fascinating backstory.
I absolutely loved when Kalahaxorus described his interactions with customers who hired him for jobs. During those interactions, the Death Knight conveyed the value of his experience and training.
Kalahaxorus: You know what I always used to say? Because people would always wonder about rates back when I was the Commander of the Blades of Zath. People would always question about your rate, and they would say, ‘I’m just asking you to ride across a river to the Elf lands and burn a village. It won’t take more than 10 hours at most.’
And I would say, ‘Friend, friend, you’re not paying for the 10 hours, you’re paying for the 30 years when I was in the fighting pits of Zarnath. That’s what you’re paying for. You know, it’s all the training, it’s everything that went in…’
Usidore: Experience, yes.
Chunt: Know your worth.
Wizard’s Council
S. 3 Ep. 81
Usidore attended a council with fellow wizards Spintax, Genlievia, and Jamillious to discuss their strategy to defeat the Dark Lord. Arnie and Chunt accompanied Usidore.
During the council, Genlievia, played by Felicia Day, shared her frustration that her on-again off-again lover Usidore hadn’t paid her much attention lately, and she engaged in sexual acts with other attendees to make him jealous.
Genlievia: Usidore, I think we have to talk. We have to talk.
I have literally had intercourse with everybody here at this party, and you still have not asked me how I am. At the very least, you could ask me during tantric yoga, during any of the activities we had this weekend, anything.
It’s complete apathy. I will put my tongue up all of Spintax’s 18 buttholes.
And yet, you don’t even seem to care, watch.
Spintax: Go, go, go. (Chunt laughs).
Spintax: I lost count, but I am satisfied.
Chunt: This is the greatest thing I’ve ever seen in my life.
The episode also features all of the wizards’ long-winded introductions, including their various names and titles.
Spintax, played by Charlie McCrackin, even shared his new introduction, which was inspired by his experiences on Earth.
The wizard’s Earthly misadventures were featured in the spin-off “I am Spintax! The podcast!” available on Stitcher Premium.
Spintax: Fair warning, my time on Earth has changed me, and I’ve been workshopping a new intro.
Genlevia: Oh, no.
Spintax: Here we go.
Who is the green magic boon that’s a hex machine to all of Foon?
Spintax! That’s damn right.
Who’s the Shaman that lets you pay on an installment plan?
Spintax! I command thee to dig it.
Who’s the mage whose been to Earth, had the only podcast with no merch?
Spintax! Right on.
Spintax is one bad mother and father. I better shut my mouth.
Lives in a multifaceted gem, and let’s nobody in but his lovers?
John Spintax.
Ba da ba da bop. Ba da ba da bop. Ba da ba da bop. Ba da ba da bop.
That’s me.
Julie’s Cult Watch
Interlude
During Season 3, Usidore, Chunt, and Arnie traveled through a middle school portrait of Arnie to visit Earth in 1989.
Usidore and Chunt met a 13-year-old Arnie and spent time with him while searching for his older counterpart. The younger Arnie spoke into a tape recorder while he practiced hosting his own Late Night talk show.
During this story arc, Chunt was a skunk who went by the name Chunk.
Chunt and Usidore learned older Arnie’s soul had been transferred into an Alf mug, an ohmage to events that took place earlier in the season.
Chunt and Usidore met teenage Arnie’s classmate Julie, who also talked into a tape recorder. She recorded a series called “Cult Watch” based on her fascination with, and fondness for, cults.
After wrapping up the 1989 storyline and returning to Foon, Magic Tavern released one more 1989 episode as an interlude prior to the season’s concluding episodes.
In that interlude, Julie’s Cult Watch, Julie shows Chunt, Usidore, and teenage Arnie the “future hole” in her yard where she pulls items from the future.
Their discussion includes a particularly humorous moment when Julie asked if she could swear, even though canonically, she was hosting the episode.
Teenage Arnie responded incredulously that Julie had cursed, something many families discourage among their children.
This is particularly humorous considering how commonly swearing takes place on Magic Tavern.
Julie: Do you wanna see the future hole?
Usidore: (Eagerly) Yes, please.
Chunk: (Eagerly) Yes.
Arnie: (Apprehensively) Yeah. I hate to admit this. I’m a little scared to see the future hole.
Julie: It’s a hole. I’ll be honest. I’m don’t know what you were expecting it to look like. But it is a real looking hole in the ground that you would be like, ‘a gofer lives there,’ but then you put your hand in, and you will receive an item from the future.
Chunk: Wow.
Usidore: So, if you first saw it and thought it to just be a gofer hole, were you reaching in to grab a gofer?
Julie: Fuck yeah. (Chunk laughs)
Julie: I’m sorry, can I say that?
Chunk: Of course.
Usidore: Yes, very much so.
Arnie: (Alarmed) Whoa.
Julie: I’m sorry Arnie.
Arnie: (Shocked and incredulous) You can’t do that. Not just that you said that. You recorded that.
Julie: I know.
Arnie: You recorded yourself saying that.
Julie: I know.
Usidore: Obviously Julie’s going to be in a lot of trouble with her parents if anyone ever hears that. But she’s learned from Chunk and that’s the important thing, that a cool skunk has entered her life and allowed her to express herself truly.
Julie explained she doesn’t really understand a lot of things she pulls from the future hole. She said she’ll be excited once she understands what the items mean, as the world catches up to the time they're from.
Julie also curses again, which alarms teenage Arnie.
Arnie: Julie, don’t you ever get scared of the future? You spend so much time just putting your hand deep into the future.
Julie: No… I think I have such a tangible grasp on the future, because I literally pull things from it, that it doesn’t scare me anymore. Because it’s like taking it in bits and pieces.
You pull something out and you’re like, 'ok, this is what a cookie is down the road.'
'This is what music is gonna look like.'
And then I don’t have a way to play it, and like a few days later, I pull something out, and I’m like, ‘Does this go together?’
You try to shove it in there. It doesn’t work.
You’re like, this is no good.
I have a pile of things that I just don’t know what to do with, and I guess I’m not afraid, because I can’t wait for things to make sense.
I feel like the rest of my life is going to be filled with seeing something that I’ve seen before and going ‘OH!’
Because no one can explain to me what it is right now. So, like, in the future, I find comfort in the fact that I know what the fuck is happening.
I’m sorry, I said it again. I’ve just…
Arnie: (Alarmed) No. God. Stop. You’re going to have to burn this whole tape.
Julie: I know I’m going to get into such trouble. But also, I don’t care.
Volcano
S. 3 Ep. 101
In the Season 3 finale, Usidore, Chunt, Krom, and Momo fought the servants of the Dark Lord on a Volcano to save Arnie.
In S.3 Ep. 98, Tomblain Belaroth and his sister Trachea Aurelia Belaroth completed the Bat Dance and became co-rulers of the Northeast, completing the royal succession storyline.
At the end of the episode, Baron Shangleberth Ragoon captured Arnie for the Dark Lord.
The Baron captured Arnie to allow the Dark Lord to retrieve an artifact from Arnie’s head that the Dark Lord needed to prevent, “the true death.”
The Baron replaced Arnie with a magical drawing of Arnie, known as a Carfoon, who appeared in the finale of Season 2.
At the end of S. 3 Ep. 99, Carfoon Arnie revealed himself to Usidore and Chunt. Arnie’s friends then set off to rescue him.
This led Usidore, Chunt, Krom and Momo to battle Soul Walker and Dripfang on a volcano to save Arnie from the Dark Lord.
Momo the mouse ended up playing a pivotal role in the battle, even though she had prepared to go on vacation, rather than fight the forces of darkness.
Krom: Momo, what if I put you on my head and put a sailor hat on top and you kind of tugged on my hair to make my arms move?
Momo: ok, I will do that, 'cause that sounds like fun. But why do everyone’s plans include Momo? I am trying to rest.
Krom: You can rest… You are going to be under a hat.
Momo: ok, here I go. Ratatouille! And I’m up. (Momo laughs)
Dripfang: Soul Walker, I’m going to throw you at Usidore. We’re going to turn this back around on ‘em. The mouse tried to throw the badger. We’re going to fastball special this on our own.
Soul Walker: Very well, I’ll coil my cloak up into a tight cylinder. It should make me more aerodynamic.
Does that mouse have a shirt that says, “I went to Black Spire Volcano and all I got was this stupid T-Shirt”?
Dripfang: I think she also has a sun hat on that says, “It’s five o-clock some place.”
Soul Walker: Wait, and a button that says, “One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequila, Floor”? (Momo and others laugh)
Carfoon Arnie: And a fanny pack that says, “Wine me, Dine me, 69 me”?
Usidore: Whose side are you on?
Dripfang: Its Flip Flop says, “Ask Ass or Grass, no one rides for free.”
Chunt: Oh wait, she has a tramp stamp that says, “I’m not as think as you drunk I am.”
Dripfang: Her necklace is a shotglass.
Chunt: Hey everybody, stop fighting, stop fighting. Look at this fuckin' mouse!
Dripfang: Everybody, real quick…
Carfoon Arnie: Focus up everybody, focus up.
Dripfang: This mouse is having a blast!
Momo: It definitely looks like I’m having fun for real when I’m wearing all this, huh? Doesn’t it..?
Dripfang: The back of her shirt says, “Grandma’s Favorite” for some reason.
Soul Walker: This mouse’s collar says, “It’s wine o-clock somewhere.” What a certified party animal!
Momo: (Happy and excited) I’m on vacation!
Dripfang: This mouse looks like it’s on a bachelorette party, but also retired.
Momo: (Chanting quickly in rhythm)
Shots! Shots! Shots! Shots! Shots! Shots!
Shots! Shots! Shots! Shots! Shots!
Everybody!
Usidore: (Excited, but not as excited as Momo) I’m conjuring shots for everyone. Shots! Shots! Shots!
Dripfang: I’m not going to say no to shots. I mean I’m at work, but you know, hey. Wink, wink.
Momo: To Kelsey getting married.
May she have as much fun in marriage as she did with us being single in her 20s. Woooo!
Usidore: To Kelsey!
Chunt: Can we all agree... good, evil, zombies, Dripfang, Soul Walker, carfoons, everyone… Can we all agree, it’s very important for all of us to take these shots? Can we put everything else aside and just say, ‘Hey, let’s take these fucking shots.”
Usidore: (Talking in unison with Chunt) Everyone, take the fucking shots.
Momo: “To one dick for the rest of your life,” which is something I’ve heard people say at bachelorette parties.
Dripfang: My arm. It moves independent of myself. I can’t control it. There is some enchantment upon these shots.
(Pause)
(Enthusiastic, Excited) We should all buy a speedboat!
Momo: Woooo!
Soul Walker: And I’m going to join the Hilton Diamond Rewards Club.
Dripfang: (Chanting) Time share! Time share! Time share!
Usidore: Blemish, this party that has just broken out is the perfect opportunity for me to slip away.
Carfoon Blemish: You sure you don’t want to stay and party with these guys?
Dripfang: Where my parrot heads at? Where my parrot heads?
Usidore: I desperately want to stay and party.
Carfoon Blemish: Me too.
Usidore: But we have to go and save Arnie, and then we’ll come back for the shots. Let’s go.
Carfoon Blemish: Yes.
Usidore: And while we’re gone, as we sneak away, (whispers) it’s the perfect time to cut to a break.
Dripfang: (Singing) Wasting away again in a realm completely made of blood.
Soul Walker: I’ll destroy you as soon as I find my lost shaker of salt.
In the world of Magic Tavern, Arnie Niekamp plays a fictionalized version of himself. Over the years, he included elements from his real life in the fictional podcast.
In the second half of the Season 3 finale, Arnie incorporated a difficult development from his real life that affects the lore of the podcast.
It would be odd for me to write about the personal life of someone who I only know from the podcasts he helps create, and I encourage anyone sufficiently interested to listen to the episode itself.
From a narrative perspective, it was always going to be an awkward event to incorporate into the show, but it would have been more awkward to leave it unaddressed.
All things considered, I think Arnie made a reasonable artistic decision given the unintended consequences of choosing to play a version of himself years ago when the podcast began.
On Stitcher Premium, the second season of Masters of Mayhem follows Dripfang and Baron Ragoon, both servants of the Dark Lord, as they steal the crown jewels of the Belaroths to create a Super Beast to destroy the Northeast.
The Second Season of Masters of Mayhem corresponds with events taking place during the second half of Season 3 of Hello from the Magic Tavern.
The season was masterfully done, and included the antics of Usidore, who Dripfang captured inside a locket.
Season 2 of Masters of Mayhem was an amazing display of improvised comedy and featured great and memorable characters. Some characters are new, while others first appeared in Season 1 of the spin-off or on Hello from the Magic Tavern.
Speaking of Stitcher Premium, Blue Tiger Team-Up, a live episode from Season 2 of Offices and Bosses, is one of my favorite episodes in any of the spin-off podcasts. Blue Tiger Team-Up features Jessica McKenna and Zach Reino, the hosts of Off Book, an improvised musical Podcast.
During Season 4, Magic Tavern is offering premium content for listeners who donate $5 or more a month on Patreon. I haven’t signed up for the show’s Patreon yet, but I’m sure I will.
Here are my favorite episodes from the second half of Magic Tavern’s third season, in ranked order.
Magic Tavern – Season 3, Part 2
1. Volcano
2. Julie’s Cult Watch
3. Death Knight
4. The Wizard’s Council
And here are the actors behind the prominent characters featured in the episodes discussed above.
Julie Andrews: Brooke Breit
Kalahaxorus the Grim: Brennan Lee Mulligan
Genlevia: Felicia Day
Spintax: Charlie McCrackin
Jamillious: Anthony LeBlanc
Soul Walker: Ross Bryant
Dripfang LeDespare: Kevin Sciretta
Baron Shangleberth Ragoon: Chris Rathjen
Momo the Mouse: Erin Keif
Krom the Fingarian: Mark Logsdon
Carfoon Blemish: Martin Wilson
Arnie: Arnie Niekamp
Chunt: Adal Rifai
Usidore: Matt Young
