Someone’s sexual
orientation describes who they're physically attracted to or would like to
have sex with.
Understanding sexual orientation can be difficult.
In this post,
I hope to explain how truly complex the topic can be.
The more we learn about attraction
and gender, the more complicated our model of sexual orientation becomes.
Most men are
attracted to women. Most women are attracted to men. Many of us assume that’s
how it works for everyone — until we learn about gay people.
Some men are
attracted to men. Some women are
attracted to women. They’re called gay men and lesbians, respectively. People attracted
to the opposite sex are described as straight.
The United States has spent the past decade debating whether gay people should be allowed to marry. Some Christians believe homosexuality is sinful, other Christians do not. Many young people are baffled that anyone is opposed to same-sex marriage.
Earlier this
year, the Supreme Court said
gay couples have a constitutional right to marry.
With all of
this public attention, many people in the U.S. have at least a cursory understanding
of homosexuality.
But sexual
orientation doesn’t end there.
Bisexuals
Some people
are attracted to both men and women. Like learning about gay people for the
first time, this revelation can be shocking.
Some people believe
bisexuals are actually gay and don’t accept it yet. Others see bisexuality as a
phase before expecting a bisexual to “return” to being straight.
While some people
who identify as bisexual later describe themselves another way, others do not. Personally,
I think it’s wrong to say we understand someone’s feelings better than they do.
Some people are bisexual.
Sexuality as a spectrum
Some men are attracted to women most
of the time, but are sometimes
attracted to men. This is true for women as well. Many people believe sexual
orientation is best understood as a spectrum, with people falling anywhere from
gay to straight.
This is as
far as most people’s understanding of sexual orientation goes — but we’re just
getting started.
Transgender people
Someone’s
biological sex refers to the physical features, such as their anatomy, they
were born with that is used to describe them as male or female. Some people don’t
feel their gender matches their biological sex. These people are known as
transgender and many of them say they’ve always felt this way.
Some
transgender people take hormones or have surgery to make their bodies fit how
they think about themselves and to make it more likely that others will identify
them as the gender they are.
Transgender
people have just entered the national consciousness with individuals such as Caitlin
Jenner introducing the topic to many.
Transgender people
don’t fit into many people’s understanding of sexual orientation.
A transwoman
refers to a person who identifies as a woman, who was born male.
Some
transwomen are incredibly attractive. One transwoman made headlines in 2012 because
of a controversy as to whether she would be allowed to compete in the Miss
Universe Canada beauty contest.
Some straight
men are willing to have sex with a transwoman, others are not. Both groups
would describe their decision as fitting their understanding of what it means
to be straight.
A transman
refers to a person who identifies as a man, who was born female. Many lesbians date transmen. They view
themselves as lesbians while their partners views themselves as male. This has
no doubt lead to many awkward conversations between lovers.
It’s even
more complicated discussing the sexual orientation of a transgender person.
Is
a transwoman who’s attracted to women a lesbian or is she straight because she
was born male?
A better way
to think about sexual orientation is to make the subject about who you’re attracted
to, and not your own gender.
Under this model, a gay man and a straight woman would have the same orientation, they're both attracted to men.
But gender
is even more complicated than that.
Non-binary people
Some people
identify as non-binary, which means they don’t identify as a man or a woman. Agender
people don’t feel they have a gender. Some people identify as both
male and female and describe themselves as genderfluid.
There are many, many more non-binary labels people use to describe their
gender.
Virtually no
one has head of non-binary gender identities.
Non-binary
people also don’t fit into most people’s understanding of sexual orientation
either.
Bisexuals
who want to acknowledge they would date and have sex with non-binary people
describe themselves as pansexual.
However,
like non-binary identities, most people have never heard of pansexuals.
Romantic vs. sexual
attraction
Some people
are interested in dating, but not in having sex. Others aren’t interested in
dating at all. People in these groups sometimes call themselves asexual.
Some people
might be interested in dating a person of the same sex, but not in having sex
with them. They could use the term homo-romantic to describe this feeling.
Substituting
romantic for sexual in any of the previous terms can be used to describe who
you’d like to date, but not necessarily have sex with.
It’s not always about
looks
Sometimes,
people fall in love with someone based upon something other than physical
appearance.
Personality, intelligence and compassion can make a potential
partner far more attractive than they would be based on their appearance alone.
While I’m
not physically attracted to men, I could have a romantic and sexual
relationship with a guy if I established a deep connection with a friend.
This led to me becoming attracted to several of my (very straight) male friends during a long and lonely six years before I met my girlfriend.
For people
like me, other traits can compensate for an absence of physical attraction. That fact does not, in any way, fit how most people think about sexual
orientation.
Now that you
know all of this, I leave you with one simple lesson.
You’re attracted to who
you’re attracted to, who cares what you call it.
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