Sexual and Romantic Orientations

In this article, I will discuss the sexual and romantic orientations within the LGBT community.

I first discussed sexual and romantic orientations on my blog in 2015.

This discussion will be a bit more detailed than my earlier article. 

It will also include pride flags.

 

 

 

 

 

Let’s begin by examining sexual orientation.

Sexual orientation refers to who you could find sexually attractive or who you would like to have a sexual relationship with. Generally, sexual orientations describe the gender of the people you find sexually attractive. 

 

Most men are only sexually attracted to women, and most women are only sexually attracted to men.

These people are called heterosexual or straight.

 

People who aren’t heterosexual have a minority sexual orientation, and they are LGBT.

 

 

 

Gay Man

 

 

A gay man is a man who is attracted to men.

Gay men often refer to themselves simply as gay, but gay is sometimes used as a term to refer to both gay men and lesbian women. 

Bear is a term used to describe a larger, more muscular, and/or more masculine gay man.

Twink is a term used to describe a skinnier, younger, and/or more feminine gay man. 

 

The Gay Man flag, shown above, was created by Mod Hermy in 2016. 

Hermy is nonbinary and bisexual. 

Hermy created the flag in response to an anonymous commenter who asked about creating a flag for gay men specifically, because the rainbow pride flag was increasingly used to represent the LGBT community as a whole. 

The original flag design was published on the ask-pride-color-schemes Tumblr account. 

Hermy worked with a gay trans Tumblr user, who came up with meanings for each of the flag's stripes.

 

 

Lesbian

 

A lesbian is a woman who is attracted to women.

Butch is a term used to describe more masculine lesbians.

More feminine lesbians are known as femmes or lipstick lesbians. 

 

There have been several lesbian flags over the years. 

Currently, the most popular lesbian flag is the sunset lesbian flag, shown above. 

Emily Gwen, an Australian nonbinary lesbian, created the sunset lesbian flag in 2018. 

You can follow Gwen on twitter.

Flags for Good published a great article with additional information about the sunset lesbian flag. 

You can learn about the fascinating history of earlier lesbian pride flags on Tumblr.

 

 

 

Bisexual

A bisexual is someone who is attracted to both men and women.

Although not explicitly referenced in the term’s standard definition, bisexuals can be attracted to non-binary people as well.

Bisexual men sometimes describe themselves as gay, and bisexual women sometimes refer to themselves as lesbians.

So be careful not to jump to too many conclusions about someone’s identity based on terms that are sometimes used differently than you might first assume. 

 

Michael Page created the bisexual flag in 1998. 

Page wrote an article about the history and symbolism of the bisexual flag for BiFlag.com, which is accessible using the Wayback Machine from the Internet Archive.

 

  

Pansexual

A pansexual is someone who is attracted to men, women, and non-binary people.  

The prefix pan- means all, so a pansexual is someone who could be attracted to someone of any gender.

For all intents and purposes, bisexual and pansexual are synonyms.

Some people just prefer one term over the other.

Tumblr user Jasper created the pansexual flag in 2010.

 

 

 

 

How trans and nonbinary people 

describe their sexualities

 

Things become somewhat more complicated when trans and non-binary people describe their sexual orientations.

The terms bisexual, pansexual, and asexual imply nothing about the gender of the person using the term.

Thus, trans and nonbinary people easily adopt these terms when relevant.

Gay man and lesbian, however, do imply the gender of the person using the term.

Binary transgender people often use terms to describe their sexual orientation that are consistent with their gender identity.

For example, a trans woman who is attracted to women will use the term lesbian.

But that isn’t always the case.

I found a comment on Pinterest from a trans man who is attracted to women who chose to identify as a lesbian.

 

Things become even more complicated for nonbinary people, who don’t identify as either men or women.

Nonbinary people sometimes refer to themselves as gay or lesbian, but that doesn’t mean they identify as a man or woman, respectively.

Depending on the context, being direct might be the best approach.

Someone can simply say, “I’m attracted to men” or “I’m attracted to women,” if there isn’t a common sexual orientation they wish to use.

There is no shame in embracing clarity when necessary.

 

 

 

Asexuality 

 

I only briefly covered Asexuality during my previous discussion of sexual orientation. 

This time, I plan to cover it more thoroughly.

Asexual is a term that can either be used as a specific sexuality or as an umbrella term to describe similar sexualities.

In the infographic listing sexual and romantic orientations at the beginning of this article, I used the term asexual as an umbrella term.

 

As an umbrella term, Asexual describes someone who experiences little to no sexual attraction.

Let’s take a look at the Identities on the Asexual Spectrum, which are included under the Asexual umbrella.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Asexual 

 

As a specific sexuality, an Asexual is someone who does not experience sexual attraction or have an intrinsic desire to be in a sexual relationship.

 

 

The Asexual Visibility and Education Network (AVEN) has a wealth of resources about asexuality and the asexual spectrum, as well as forums for Asexuals and their allies to use. 

The pride flags for the identities on the asexual spectrum use the same colors, which are also the colors of the AVEN logo. 

 

AVEN user "standup" created the Asexual flag in 2010. You can read about the history of the Asexual flag at aceweek.org.

 

 

The identities on the Asexual spectrum refer to whether someone experiences sexual attraction, not whether they engage in sexual activity.

Someone who experiences sexual attraction but chooses, for whatever reason, to abstain from sex, isn’t asexual.

But there are asexual people who have sex.

An asexual person could choose to engage in sexual activity for any number of reasons, such as to have children, or to help satisfy the sexual desire of their romantic partner.

An asexual person may or may not experience romantic attraction or desire to be in a romantic relationship.

 

 

 

Graysexual

 

A Graysexual is someone who rarely experiences sexual attraction.

Milith Rusignuolo created the graysexual flag in 2013. 

 

 

 

 

 Demisexual 

A demisexual is someone who only experiences sexual attraction after they have formed an emotional bond with someone they are close to.

 

 

 

Romantic Orientation

Someone’s romantic orientation describes who they could be romantically attracted to or who they would like to have a romantic relationship with. 

Romantic orientations often refer to the gender of the people someone could be romantically attracted to.

For many people, their sexual and romantic attractions align, so they don’t feel the need to identify with a romantic orientation.

Romantic orientations are similar to sexual orientations, but use the suffix “-romantic” rather than “-sexual.”

 

Most people are heteroromantic, which means they are romantically attracted to people of the other binary gender.

A homoromantic is someone who is romantically attracted to people of the same gender.

A biromantic is someone who is romantically attracted to men and women. (But just like when someone identifies as bisexual, don’t assume a biromantic is ruling out dating nonbinary people, because they probably aren’t).

A panromantic is someone who is romantically attracted to men, women, and non-binary people. 

 

 

Aromantic

 

 

An aromantic is someone who doesn’t experience romantic attraction or desire to be part of a romantic relationship. 

Like Asexuality, Aromanticism also exists on a spectrum.

 

 

Tumblr user Cameron created the aromantic flag in 2014. 

Cameron is a Malaysian-Australian aromantic-spectrum nonbinary lesbian.

Cameron wrote a Tumblr post explaining the symbolism of the Aromantic flag, which is accessible using the Wayback Machine from the Internet Archive. 

Romantic orientation labels are primarily, but not exclusively, used by asexual people to describe whether they experience romantic attraction, and if so, who they are romantically attracted to.

Asexual heteroromantic people are still LGBT, because they have a minority sexual orientation, even though they have a majority romantic orientation.

Aromantic is the only romantic orientation that has a commonly used pride flag.

 

 

I have found pride flags for other romantic orientations, but they are rare. If you use them, people will likely only understand their meaning if you tell them.

One set of romantic orientation flags feature a faded version of the sexual orientation flag with a heart in the center that displays the vibrant colors of the original flag. 

This can be seen in the panromantic flag below.

 

 

 

Similar designs can be created for the romantic variations of all of the sexual orientation flags.

 

Another set of designs are specifically for asexual people who describe their romantic orientations.

These place a heart in the color of the romantic orientation in the center of the asexual flag.

This design can be seen on the Panromantic Asexual flag below.

 

 

Similar designs can be used by Asexual people with other romantic orientations. 

Both of the panromantic flags shown above were published in 2016 on the Pride-Flags Deviant Art account, which is maintained by Mod Hermy. 

 

 

Aromantic Asexuals, who are sometimes called Aroace, have their own pride flags, the most common of which appears below. 

 

 

A nonbinary aroace Tumblr user created the sunset aroace flag, shown above, in 2018.

 

 

 

There are romantic orientation equivalents to the identities on the asexual spectrum, which we discussed earlier.

 

A Grayromantic is someone who rarely experiences romantic attraction. 

A Demiromantic is someone who only experiences romantic attraction after they have formed an emotional bond to someone they are close to. 

My sexual and romantic orientations

 

I am a nonbinary person who is sexually and physically attracted to women, but can be romantically attracted to men and women.

I haven’t met many other nonbinary people in my daily life, but I would be more than willing to have a romantic and sexual relationship with another nonbinary person. (And I’ve seen some physically attractive ones online.)

I had a girlfriend, who was a cisgender teenage girl, when I was in high school in 2009.

I dated a transgender woman in 2015, after I graduated college the year before.

I haven’t dated anyone else beyond those brief relationships.

I’m not looking for a romantic partner at the moment, but I would like to have a romantic and sexual relationship in the future.  

 

I would be willing to have a future romantic or sexual relationship with a binary transgender person, whether they are a trans woman or trans man. 

Transfeminine refers to transgender women and nonbinary people, like me, who were assigned male at birth, but identify with a more feminine gender.

Specifically, I identify as genderfluid, which means my gender changes over time. 

My gender changes between male and female. 

Like many transfeminine people, I enjoy cross-gender sexual fantasies, which is a complicated and personal subject, which I might discuss in detail in the future.

I also find transgender women, nonbinary people, crossdressers, tomboys, and femboys to be particularly attractive.

Suffice to say my sexuality is considerably more complicated than most.

 

I really like the term “panromantic,” which means I can be romantically attracted to men, women, and nonbinary people.

 

 

If I wanted to use a separate term for my sexual orientation, to describe that I am physically attracted to women, I would have a more difficult time, because I don’t identify as either male or female. 

 

If I used the term “straight,” people would assume I was a straight man, and I strongly identify as nonbinary, rather than as a cisgender man. 

My sexuality, and my relationship to my sexuality, is also far more complicated than the term "straight" conveys. 

“Lesbian” would be awkward, because even though I’m transfeminine, I am generally perceived as a man, and by and large, I live my public life as a man. 

Although, I believe transfeminine nonbinary people, like myself, should be allowed to describe themselves as lesbians if they want to.

 

Gynesexual is an obscure term occasionally used online to describe someone who is sexually attracted to women and/or femininity. The term doesn't refer to the gender of the person experiencing the attraction.

Almost no one uses gynesexual to describe themselves, and the term has a clinical feel to it. It lacks a certain warmth that other identity labels tend to have.

The term is a technically accurate description of my sexual orientation, although not one I would use to describe myself, because almost no one has heard of it before, and because it sounds so technical.

 

Most people don’t differentiate their sexual and romantic orientations, and I could imagine myself eventually dating and having a sexual relationship with a man, even if it isn’t the most likely outcome, so pansexual might be the best option. 

Sometimes, people choose a term that isn’t a perfect fit to their identity, but is more common or more easily understood by the general public. 

 

As a genderfluid person who could be attracted to someone of any gender, in a way, I get to be almost all of the sexual orientations.  

Sometimes, the complexity of someone’s experiences with a topic, such as their sexual and romantic attractions, can’t be easily condensed into a single word. 

Although, if I had to pick just one, panromantic would be it.